yeah so he knows.

10 05 2011

i do not feel very good currently. in fact, i feel awful. like nothing was worth it. like nothing is worth it. hopeless. but at the same time, i can honestly say i’m used to it. and that this was what i was expecting. and that it’s not like it hurt any less but that the pain becomes numb after each hit now. um. i don’t know. i knew. i knew this was going to happen and i don’t know what forced me to say it but i said it and i don’t feel like.. i regret it. i don’t, right now at least. i feel more like.. why am i alive. lol. why am i even alive. and it’s not like i can talk to anyone about it. and it’s not like anyone cares so. i have to sit here and tolerate.. life. and everything that it is. and it hurts. and it hurts. and it hurts. a lot. there is a pain in my chest and my eyes are leaking. and my nose is running. but. as many deep breaths as i take, i can not get air into my lungs. i’ll be fine. i’m sure i’ll be fine. eventually. i’ll get over this. this.. everything will be fine. it’ll be okay. i’ll be okay.

“i’m going to sit here. and i’m going to smile. and i’m going to pretend that it doesn’t hurt. as much as it really, really does. as much as it feels like i’ve jumped off of a bridge and hit the ground face first, i’m going to say that i’m fine. and they’re all going to believe me.” -vc.

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