19 05 2011

i don’t even know anything.

devi treats me like crap.

and now she’s no longer holding in her words either.

it’s just so unbelievably rude and disrespectful.

she’s basically my bully.

and kyle. god kyle. do i even want to know who she is? no, probably not. and i really don’t want to know. but i’m reconsidering everything i’ve ever said to and about him. i mean did i really like him? could i ever really love him? i don’t know. it was undeniable sometimes but others, i was just.. passing the time. and as sad and awful as that is to say, it’s the truth. and i can’t keep lying about everything anymore. because lying to myself if probably the worst thing i could do. i think kyle was just. he was someone i kept in my mind to keep me occupied. i only liked the idea of him. the idea of some sweet, adorable, smart, charming boy that was actually nice to me for once. but reality is not like that and i can’t force myself to believe that it is. so kyle. i don’t know what he was. and there’s feelings i can’t deny that i had and probably always will have for him. but there are things that i know i was not truthful about. and my feelings were not real. they were forced. on a more positive note, my relationship with vanessa is at an all time high. i love the girl and i feel so happy when i see her. jessica, i feel awful for her because her line of guys are destroying her. dustin is the biggest asshole in the world because he’s now drilled that into her head. she thinks she ruins relationships but that’s not true whatsoever. sam is struggling more than ever with her eating and i feel really worried. i don’t want her to be hurt. and i don’t want her to hurt herself. but if i asked her to stop she’d feel alienated. i don’t know where to go. i want to support her and make her feel loved no matter what. but i don’t want to put her life in danger because if her disorder doesn’t stop, there’s gonna be a really ugly ending.

sigh.. i haven’t seen carmen in what feels like forever. and my mom does not understand at all. the things she says.. i cannot believe those words leave her mouth. how can she say i don’t care about carmen? of couse i care. i care about her more than anything in this whole entire universe. how can she say that i’m a bad influence when she herself is honestly and truthfully just an awful, awful role model. i really wish she would stop being a hypocrite because it makes me so much sadder than it makes me mad. i feel such sadness thinking that she could accuse me of not caring and of being a bad influence. i try my hardest to not be those things and she basically goes and says i’m doing a bad job. everything with her is a fight. and carmen’s at stake. carmen of all things, i can’t stand being apart from her, my days honestly suck. carmen makes me so happy. that girl is so, so beautiful and i love her more than anything and everything that will ever matter to me. carmen saved my life. and all i want, if i could choose one thing to do with my life, is to save hers.




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