note to self:

8 07 2011

anything and everything nice that mom does for you is temporary. her kindness is temporary. mom is not a nice person and she never will be. you should have no hope for that aspect of your life. you are wasting your time.


7 07 2011

i can’t even begin with emilia. she is one of the most bitter, alone and illogical people i’ve ever met. she thinks she has this all figured out. and hell, maybe she does. but i’m not going to retaliate. i’m going to sit here, at peace, and let her ruin herself. she created drama, literally out of insecurity because, i believe, the reality of how alone she is, is sinking in. i never have and never will understand how and why people could cause pain to someone else just because they’re unhappy. who in their right mind wants to cause others unhappiness? why would someone not be considerate and empathetic? i’m trying to put myself in her shoes, i really am. but the truth is, i would never, ever do such a thing to someone. i can’t even comprehend what is going through her mind. i don’t even want to know the things she told sam and jessica because i can only imagine the lies she came up with. i can only imagine the denial in her eyes if she were ever confronted. i could ruin that girl, i could. but i would never. i like to believe i have an ounce of integrity and dignity left to not go tormenting other people’s lives in order to feel better about mine. i can’t trust anyone. i have to fear everything i’ve trusted jessica, sam and emilia with thus far. who’s to say they won’t publicly humiliate me. hm, i would definitely not be surprised. and the worst part is that, through out all of this, i haven’t gotten one straight answer. from any one of them. i guess i have to trust time. and god forbid, god. ’cause i know that i haven’t done anything wrong. at least not enough to deserve this. girls will be girls. and girls are vicious. and people change. and friends leave. and life doesn’t stop for anybody. hm. goodnight.

26 06 2011

me and kyle don’t talk anymore. i mean we do. sometimes. but it’s not the same. at all. it’s so casual. and it feels like neither of us wants to talk to each other. and i don’t, really. i only talk to him now to prove to myself that what i felt before was real. but to be completely honest, i don’t think it was. i think i was pretending. maybe even forcing feelings. and i know this. i know i didn’t truly have feelings for him. because despite the fact that i cried and despite the fact that i did think he was great, when he told me he’s seeing someone and the truth hit that we’d never be together,
and i know it wasn’t real.
i liked the idea of him.
i liked the idea of love.
but not him.
not kyle.

26 06 2011

jin is on my contact list again.
i suppose i couldn’t be happier. with that aspect of my life.
besides that though,
everything’s still shit.
and you know,
sometimes, things do happen for a reason.
but other times, life just sucks.

she’s seriously not even worth my time

2 06 2011

but god that girl has serious issues and she is insecure beyond belief. she needs to not be in my life so that i can be that much closer to being partially content. she is so unbelievably and fascinatingly stupid. that’s really the only word. she is stupid. unintelligent and unaware. note to self: let time do its thing. let nature take it’s course and let distance be present. she’s not worth it and you need to stop convincing yourself otherwise. be done with it.

that is all i am going to say.

24 05 2011

it’s haley.


19 05 2011

i don’t even know anything.

devi treats me like crap.

and now she’s no longer holding in her words either.

it’s just so unbelievably rude and disrespectful.

she’s basically my bully.

and kyle. god kyle. do i even want to know who she is? no, probably not. and i really don’t¬†want to know. but i’m reconsidering everything i’ve ever said to and about him. i mean did i really like him? could i ever really love him? i don’t know. it was undeniable sometimes but others, i was just.. passing the time. and as sad and awful as that is to say, it’s the truth. and i can’t keep lying about everything anymore. because lying to myself if probably the worst thing i could do. i think kyle was just. he was someone i kept in my mind to keep me occupied. i only liked the idea of him. the idea of some sweet, adorable, smart, charming boy that was actually nice to me for once. but reality is not like that and i can’t force myself to believe that it is. so kyle. i don’t know what he was. and there’s feelings i can’t deny that i had and probably always will have for him. but there are things that i know i was not truthful about. and my feelings were not real. they were forced. on a more positive note, my relationship with vanessa is at an all time high. i love the girl and i feel so happy when i see her. jessica, i feel awful for her because her line of guys are destroying her. dustin is the biggest asshole in the world because he’s now drilled that into her head. she thinks she ruins relationships but that’s not true whatsoever. sam is struggling more than ever with her eating and i feel really worried. i don’t want her to be hurt. and i don’t want her to hurt herself. but if i asked her to stop she’d feel alienated. i don’t know where to go. i want to support her and make her feel loved no matter what. but i don’t want to put her life in danger because if her disorder doesn’t stop, there’s gonna be a really ugly ending.

sigh.. i haven’t seen carmen in what feels like forever. and my mom does not understand at all. the things she says.. i cannot believe those words leave her mouth. how can she say i don’t care about carmen? of couse i care. i care about her more than anything in this whole entire universe. how can she say that i’m a bad influence when she herself is honestly and truthfully just an awful, awful role model. i really wish she would stop being a hypocrite because it makes me so much sadder than it makes me mad. i feel such sadness thinking that she could accuse me of not caring and of being a bad influence. i try my hardest to not be those things and she basically goes and says i’m doing a bad job. everything with her is a fight. and carmen’s at stake. carmen of all things, i can’t stand being apart from her, my days honestly suck. carmen makes me so happy. that girl is so, so beautiful and i love her more than anything and everything that will ever matter to me. carmen saved my life. and all i want, if i could choose one thing to do with my life, is to save hers.